Moving out of the past shadows

It had been difficult..It was not possible without a special person who had shown the way out of the mess that I was in my life 2-3 months earlier. And also, I must state, of another person who helped me to live during those days and always cheered me up that sunny days are not far away. These two, apart from all my other friends and family, have made me want to enjoy my life once more. With one of these two, younger, cheerful, full of love and care, I intend to move on in life and bury the past. Unless..., unless..., history repeats itself in my life...If that happens, I would take leave from the world of relationships forever. The shield that I talked about earlier have kept in my mind that anything is possible in this world and nobody is above belief, including me also.

So I am happily going through motions, enjoying every bit of the attention that I am getting from the girl and giving her back all that I could have possibly given a girl. Earlier I never had the want of togetherness to be so intense. Perhaps then, in the hindsight, that feeling was not mutual. Perhaps now, I don't know whether, finally, this growth of feelings will culminate into something concrete, something better. But I am not very much bothered about it any more. The past experience had brought with it, an air of easy casualness alongwith unsavoury bitterness. Currently the bitterness is being purged out of my system by this girl's sweet demeanours. Casualness remains. I think this is what in the past thinkers have told us to do - To remain unaffected through happiness or sorrow. Perhaps, now, the experience has enriched my life. I came to know so many persons from so close a distance that I feel lucky now that I have had that experience. It is obvious that I could not possibly have written this in such a cheerful fashion without that special girl in my side. I think that I must thank that girl who refused to come to me at the last moment, for without her moving out of my life, I could have never possibly known about this girl.

I am now really enjoying this roller-coaster ride called life.....

XLRI GMP Calling

Finally, going to join XLRI GMP in '08. A long cherished dream for an MBA is going to fructify in this most eventful year in my life. I have changed, my views about life changed. Some changes are irreversible, some not. Some changes are good, some bad. Some things I gained, some lost forever. Some changes may be known to others, some not. In totality, I'm not the same guy any more that I used to be.

I learnt so much about life & relationships (really?!). I learnt that not everything is like what they seem from outer side (this is obvious, but I was immature enough to overlook this in relationships, or perhaps I was naive enough not to know what clues to look for in relationships!!). I learnt that biggest of the shocks may come from where you least expect any shock at all! I learnt that trust can be broken by somebody whom you might take to be the most trustworthy. As an effect, even if everything else you can overcome with time, trust never comes back so easily, or perhaps, never fully. It takes a lot of effort on your part and possibly, on the part of the other person whom you want to trust again. The cruel part is that she might never know of this internal tussle that you are having.

It is very true that the biggest learnings in life come from obstacles/negative events. I realised this the hard way. I felt what it is like to be on the edge of a high cliff, with no one around, winds howling and there is only a millimetre of land beneath your feet and a deep vertical gorge with nothing to see at the bottom, just in front of you. I would then love to fall & lie, face down, in a pool of blood at the bottom of the gorge rather than looking at the sun again. I have seen a glimpse of hell, felt the heat of fire there. I never enjoyed it. I wanted to close the door of the blackbox and run away fast. I wanted to forget the 6 months of my life. You are right, that's the blackbox. I wanted to lock the blackbox and throw it deep down into the ocean alongwith the key. But many things burned inside and outside of me when I tried to close that blackbox. Some of the burns may heal faster, some slower and some may be never. My healing has started, and it is good to know that somebody is taking care of me and trying to heal the burns as best possible. But trust is very slow to come. I really want it to come faster, but there is an internal resistance to it. The resistance is borne out of the pain of the burns that I received. It is natural, and it is trying to protect me in case of any eventualities in future. Perhaps, I have grown a natural shield on me. It is good, and also it is bad, as it lets itself in between me and the one with whom I am trying to start the journey again. After all, every event leaves its mark. This shield is the gift of the event that I went through..

So, life is long or short, the way you see it!! Where it will lead you, you will never know. So I let myself go to the hands of the waves of life. Sometimes you are on top, sometimes not. You will never know that you'd reach the station which is only 20 paces from where you are standing now. Or sometimes you never know that you already reached your destination! That's what it is so interesting about life - certainly it will be completely uncertain!!.......