New beginning in Life

So now, many new things to life!!

Marriage, the elation, the romance of being attached to somebody......

After all the tribulations at the start of the year, all now seems to have happened a long distant past away. The love & care that is shown is equally reciprocated. It's a heady feeling...

Classes have started in XLRI. GMP is on its way. Life outside office, back to school/college days..Fun..Only thing additional is the sweet responsibility of love...

I am enjoying it.......

Moving out of the past shadows

It had been difficult..It was not possible without a special person who had shown the way out of the mess that I was in my life 2-3 months earlier. And also, I must state, of another person who helped me to live during those days and always cheered me up that sunny days are not far away. These two, apart from all my other friends and family, have made me want to enjoy my life once more. With one of these two, younger, cheerful, full of love and care, I intend to move on in life and bury the past. Unless..., unless..., history repeats itself in my life...If that happens, I would take leave from the world of relationships forever. The shield that I talked about earlier have kept in my mind that anything is possible in this world and nobody is above belief, including me also.

So I am happily going through motions, enjoying every bit of the attention that I am getting from the girl and giving her back all that I could have possibly given a girl. Earlier I never had the want of togetherness to be so intense. Perhaps then, in the hindsight, that feeling was not mutual. Perhaps now, I don't know whether, finally, this growth of feelings will culminate into something concrete, something better. But I am not very much bothered about it any more. The past experience had brought with it, an air of easy casualness alongwith unsavoury bitterness. Currently the bitterness is being purged out of my system by this girl's sweet demeanours. Casualness remains. I think this is what in the past thinkers have told us to do - To remain unaffected through happiness or sorrow. Perhaps, now, the experience has enriched my life. I came to know so many persons from so close a distance that I feel lucky now that I have had that experience. It is obvious that I could not possibly have written this in such a cheerful fashion without that special girl in my side. I think that I must thank that girl who refused to come to me at the last moment, for without her moving out of my life, I could have never possibly known about this girl.

I am now really enjoying this roller-coaster ride called life.....

XLRI GMP Calling

Finally, going to join XLRI GMP in '08. A long cherished dream for an MBA is going to fructify in this most eventful year in my life. I have changed, my views about life changed. Some changes are irreversible, some not. Some changes are good, some bad. Some things I gained, some lost forever. Some changes may be known to others, some not. In totality, I'm not the same guy any more that I used to be.

I learnt so much about life & relationships (really?!). I learnt that not everything is like what they seem from outer side (this is obvious, but I was immature enough to overlook this in relationships, or perhaps I was naive enough not to know what clues to look for in relationships!!). I learnt that biggest of the shocks may come from where you least expect any shock at all! I learnt that trust can be broken by somebody whom you might take to be the most trustworthy. As an effect, even if everything else you can overcome with time, trust never comes back so easily, or perhaps, never fully. It takes a lot of effort on your part and possibly, on the part of the other person whom you want to trust again. The cruel part is that she might never know of this internal tussle that you are having.

It is very true that the biggest learnings in life come from obstacles/negative events. I realised this the hard way. I felt what it is like to be on the edge of a high cliff, with no one around, winds howling and there is only a millimetre of land beneath your feet and a deep vertical gorge with nothing to see at the bottom, just in front of you. I would then love to fall & lie, face down, in a pool of blood at the bottom of the gorge rather than looking at the sun again. I have seen a glimpse of hell, felt the heat of fire there. I never enjoyed it. I wanted to close the door of the blackbox and run away fast. I wanted to forget the 6 months of my life. You are right, that's the blackbox. I wanted to lock the blackbox and throw it deep down into the ocean alongwith the key. But many things burned inside and outside of me when I tried to close that blackbox. Some of the burns may heal faster, some slower and some may be never. My healing has started, and it is good to know that somebody is taking care of me and trying to heal the burns as best possible. But trust is very slow to come. I really want it to come faster, but there is an internal resistance to it. The resistance is borne out of the pain of the burns that I received. It is natural, and it is trying to protect me in case of any eventualities in future. Perhaps, I have grown a natural shield on me. It is good, and also it is bad, as it lets itself in between me and the one with whom I am trying to start the journey again. After all, every event leaves its mark. This shield is the gift of the event that I went through..

So, life is long or short, the way you see it!! Where it will lead you, you will never know. So I let myself go to the hands of the waves of life. Sometimes you are on top, sometimes not. You will never know that you'd reach the station which is only 20 paces from where you are standing now. Or sometimes you never know that you already reached your destination! That's what it is so interesting about life - certainly it will be completely uncertain!!.......

Lost day..

After many days, today I am feeling totally lost again.. I want to talk, but there is nobody to hear..I don't know where from this feeling has returned, stopping my work, blocking thoughts, passing through all the resolutions that I have taken, jumping over all the big learnings that I have had recently..

I am feeling the pangs of loneliness once again after all this, so many nights have passed since then..Terrible, overpowering..

No sail in the broken boat
Lost in the waves,
Life at those moments is hard & tense
Hope does last for the next second
But not for the next day..

"Tum Se Hi" - Song that touches your heart..You know the feelings..

Tum Se Hi

Aa aa..aa aa…aa aa..aa aa.. aa..

Na hai yeh pana
Na khona he hai
Tera na hona, jaane
Kuyn hona he hai

Tum Se Hi din hota hai
Surmayi shaam aati hai
Tum Se Hi Tum Se Hi
Har ghadi saans aati hai
Zindagi kehlati hai
Tum Se Hi Tum Se Hi

Na hai yeh pana
Na khona hi hai
Tera na hona, jaane
Kuyn hona hi hai

Aa aa..aa aa…aa aa..aa aa.. aa..

Aankho mein aankhe teri
Bahoo mein Bahe teri
Mera na mujh mein kuch raha
Hua kya
Bathon mein bathein teri
Rathe saogathe meri
Kuyn tera sab yeh ho gaya
Hua kya
Mein kahin bhi jaata hun
Tum Se Hi mil jatha hun
Tum Se Hi Tum Se Hi
Shor mein khamoshi hai
Thodi si behoshi hai
Tum Se Hi Tum Se Hi

Aa aa aa aa aa aa…

Aadha sa vaada kabhi
Aadhe se zyada kabhi
Jee chahe karlu is tarah
Wafa ka
Chode na chute kabhi
Tode na toote kabhi
Jo daaga tum se jud gaya
Wafa ka
Mein tera sarmaya hun
Jo bhi mein ban paya hun
Tum Se Hi Tum Se Hi
Raaste mil jate hai
Manzile mil jati hai
Tum Se Hi Tum Se Hi

Na hai yeh pana
Na khona he hai
Tera na hona, jaane
Kuyn hona he hai

Aa aa aa aa aa aa …

A Love Story - Journey of 7 Months in Life

A Love Story

This is the story of one girl & two boys.

The girl dearly loved one boy. The boy also. They planned their life together. But between them came the social wall. The boy could not take the decision. The girl waited. He finally told the girl that he could not honor her love. The girl was shattered. The boy was shaken, but could not commit. She cried her heart out, but she waited. When there was no hope, she waited. The girl left the place, came to her home, tears in her heart. When she had none to turn to, she cried & prayed to God.

But what the girl could do? She has to marry someone. Family pressure increased. No promise from the boy, no assurance, only the mutual feelings lingered, perhaps unspoken, unheard, but alive.

Enter the second boy. An arranged match. Why the girl chose him among others, unclear. This boy was a loner in heart games. Naïve. Shy. From the first, he opened his heart like a long closed metal chest, opening with a clank. Nothing was hidden from view. Suddenly the world seemed too colorful, too rosy to him. He never thought the feeling of belonging to someone special can be so fulfilling. All of a sudden, the long lost sweet romantic self woke up in him. He consciously tried to change his wild lifestyle. He prepared himself for her to come into his life, oblivious to any sign of the storm that is brewing in the distant sky.

The girl was hesitant, but went along. She perhaps never committed mentally, but without any option, gave in and tried to walk along. But the mental barrier was there. The boy had sensed the presence of the barrier, but couldn’t understand why it was there. He thought he was impatient. She also told him that. He learnt to be patient.

Time went by. His attachment to her grew deeper & deeper. He said that he could literally take his heart out if she wanted. She said that she would see that in time.

Marriage was coming nearer. The girl thought, thought and thought. And cried. She never told him about the first boy. Was it for the fear of rejection from this second boy also? Or for the eternal hope that she was carrying in her heart? Or both? It will never be known.

Marriage bells ringing now in the doorsteps. Preparations complete, on both sides. She grudgingly accepted, hiding her feelings from everyone but her heart. Even now she prayed to God, cried & waited.

The second boy was living in dreams. His life was coming to a fulfillment he cherished from his imaginative, dreamy childhood. He was ecstatic. He planned so much for the new life. He sacrificed dreams that were once very dear to his heart. Only for the life of togetherness, for the bliss.

Did we forget the first boy? No, obviously not! Not the girl. Not their common friends, who have seen them together, happy as butterflies in the spring. For the first time the first boy was feeling the pangs of impending loss, the loss which could be very dear and unrecoverable. His behavior was erratic, friends feared for him. His family gave the nod finally.

Marriage is now less than seven days away. The first boy summed up his courage and arrived on the stage. Was the timing deliberate? Was it forced? Perhaps yes, perhaps not. Never possibly could it be known. The first boy met the girl to say something dearest to her at the last hour. The girl was overjoyed, happy as a reborn. What she wanted all her life God has gifted her. God has heard the cries she always had deep within her heart. She believed and had faith that “true love comes back”. She was proved right!

But at this stage, what her options were? No one from her family would listen to her. Who is the last person to save her and her love? Why, the second boy? Didn’t he promise that he would give her his heart if she wished? But is she doing the right thing? Who knows, but in her heart she had a doubt that she might not make him happy if married. Perhaps this realization came too late, perhaps too early. Perhaps it was true, perhaps not. Who knows the answer?

So, now is the time to tell everything to the second boy. The causes of her hesitation, the barrier that he easily felt, the emotional disconnect that he might have perceived, her first love and the returning of her first love, all, everything. She begged him to leave her, for all the good or bad she had done, uttered, written, spoken, unspoken. She said everything between her and him was forced and possibly untrue, that she had taken her chances and acted accordingly. Perhaps true, perhaps not. If true, then why? How is this justified? She very easily justified her position, since she is a girl and a girl has several social obligations to perform compared to that of a boy! But, how can the situation be ever justified to the second boy?

Even now, dear reader, waiting for what happened next? The story has reached a climax. To put in a single line the condition of the second boy, his soul was fatally wounded. The pain of the shock numbed him. His faith in human beings was shaken for life. He was adamant to let his love desert him. He could not fathom the fact that the girl he dearly loved loves someone else. But he could not tolerate the girl’s cries. The voice that gave him company in lonely nights, in heavy workdays, in the wee hours of the night, in the morning, in the evening, in the mountains, in the city, in the rains, in the summer, in Sundays, in Mondays, in the train, in the hotel, among friends, within family, however fake that might have been, however forced that might have been, how much acting that might have been, but it was the voice he can never bear to hear it cry, to beg, to plead, even for all the right reasons, for all the wrong demands, for all the wrong acts. Is this what love is like? He does not know. It is for you, dear reader, to decide.

The second boy let the girl go to the boy of her choice. Laughable. He never had this girl, so how can he “let her go”? No answers.

He thought what he did was the right thing to do in such a situation. But he was not happy. There was enormous swelling of emotion in him which rapidly transformed into a wildfire of anger of unknown proportions. He felt that it is not right to let others, who let him trap and suffer in such a manner without any of his fault, remain happy. He promised to himself that he will see to the end of it.

In all this earthquake in his mind, there came an angel in the disguise of a friend, who supported him, cared for his well-being & health and tried to heal the deepest of the wounds. She reasoned, coaxed, and pleaded him not to destroy his core, which he was hell-bent to exterminate for he thought goodness has no value in this earth anymore. He wanted to be the baddest of the bad, worst of the lot and take revenge.

But he was not happy. He reached deep in his heart to find out what is the cause of all this unrest. Why is he not happy even when he is revengeful and taken the first step? He found that these thoughts are actually killing whatever little bit of older heart remained in him, not regenerating. These thoughts do not suit him. But why is he so angry? It is because of his hurt ego & pride, which let him believe that if he ever loves a girl dearly, she will never turn away or betray him for another boy. He believes that love can not be forced. This is why the cry of the girl, whom he loved so dearly, for another boy was so bitter, so painful, so hurting to him. Perhaps she felt worse than him in doing all these, perhaps not. Who knows? She cried when none supported her decision. She cried because she thought what she was doing was beyond forgiveness, not right. Perhaps she was true, perhaps she was acting, but he could not bear her cry. It pained him so much to hear her cry. He thought he could never do anything that may cause her to cry. With intense pain, he gave his support to her decision, steadied her and asked her to move forward. He did what his heart told him to do.

What makes a man happy? To love and forgive the ones he loves, loved and would love. The second boy has learnt the lesson of a lifetime. Everybody else is right, there are more to life than this one setback. After all, we have only one life to live, play, sing, explore, expand. The second boy is now at the lowest point in his life. He can only rise from there.

He earnestly prays to God that the boy & girl live happily ever after, otherwise his sacrifice would not be worth a bit. Not an iota of what have happened till now should jeopardize their lives from now on. They showed what true love is all about. The second boy was very much jealous of the first boy, for he is luckier to have a girl like her in his life. But this jealousy would end. The second boy would move on in his life. He really thinks that someday he would find a soul mate who want him for what he is worth of or unworthy of.

He truly has forgiven her at this point of time for what right or wrong she has done in her immaturity, in her indecisiveness, in her selfishness, in her lack of respect to a soul, in the situation she was in, for love, for the one boy she wanted in her life. The pain would linger for sometime, till the time someone special arrives to heal the wound slowly but surely by understanding him, caring for him, nurturing him. But the effect of the shock would continue for sometime more.

This story is a tribute to love, to the wonderful girl and to the angel who helped the second boy to possibly save his soul. And to all who supported the three main protagonists throughout, those who are happy for the couple and those who are angry and stunned for the loser. Let the story unfold beautifully in the years to come, when the last protagonist is also happily settled in life.

Cheers to all who have the patience to read this far and maybe, are part of this journey. After all, journeys are far more (or equally!) interesting than the destination itself.

Amen.

------- The Second Boy.

In a city in India.

31.01.2008

5:00 pm.

Her Name !

And I thought
Never would I know
Another poignant moment may come such as this,
Never to end.
Deep in thought may we sit
Its the eyes talking only
Time flowing by
And the souls start living.